My Encounters With a Douche Bag

Lately, I have been looking forward to our little meetings in order to exchange our daughter because I never know what is going to happen or what you are going to bitch about. Today, you decided to bitch about the clothes she was wearing. Out of all the things to bitch about, you had the nerve to ask me why she looked like a bum, like you are the primary care giver. My bad. She probably looks like a bum because she is dressed in your clothes. Imagine that. I suggest that you dress her better if you don’t want me to dress her up like a bum. You see, I send her in the clothes and shoes that you send her back to me in. Therefore, if she looks trashy, you might want to thank your awesome sense of fashion or the lack of money you have to buy your children nice clothes.

Last I checked, it isn’t in my job description to dress her cute to go over to your house. Unlike you, I buy clothes for our daughter at places other than Walmart. If I dressed her in my clothes, I would never get my clothes back or they would be ruined by the time I got them back. Last time I sent her in clothes that I bought, it took over 2 months to get them back. After bugging you for weeks, your lame ass wife stepped in and asked what clothes I was wanting back. Well genius, I want my clothes back. That means, whatever clothes that are not yours either go to me or baby mama #1. But if I must spell it out for you, I need the 4t old navy jean shorts and the old navy flower shirt. When I send her in jean shorts and a flower shirt, I expect to get jean shorts and a flower shirt back, especially when I specify jean shorts. Trying to give me back some dirty pair of khaki shorts and some shit stained, stripped tank top is unacceptable, on top of, not what I told you. I understand that the two of you are pretty fucking dumb, but you, Mr. I used to work at Express, should definitely know the difference from jean and khaki material. Also, I know what clothes my daughter has and what clothes she doesn’t have, so please do not insult me by trying to pass off with some old, dingy, stained hand me down clothes. Thanks.

Then I sent our daughter over in a new pair of shoes, only to find out that they were destroyed by the dogs. Here is the real kicker. Your stupid ass wife had the nerve to ask me if I wanted them replaced. WTF!?!?! No, I just bought those shoes in order for your worthless dogs to chew up. Yes, you dumb fucking bitch, I do want them replaced. You shouldn’t have to ask. You should already be at a store getting me some new ones.

So, father of the year, please explain to me why I should dress her in my clothes just to go over to your house. Not to mention, it is gross, rainy, and cold, why would I dress her cute anyways? My main concern is her dressed warm because she keeps getting sick. I apologize that the first thing on my mind wasn’t for her to be all dolled up for your parenting time. Where the hell are you going in this weather that you must make a scene about her clothes? Do you have some very important people coming over today? Are you going out to a nice, fancy restaurant that you can’t stop by your place to put her in your nice clothes? Do you have the dinner date with the President? I am going to guess that none of the above is happening.

So the next time you decide to be super dad and give me attitude about what she has been doing all day, save your breath. She is 2 years old and you are picking her up at 4 pm. She has all day to get fucking dirty. You send her back to me looking like some white trash prodigy, but you don’t see me complaining. Hell, I am just glad that you put a jacket and shoes on her. So again, please forgive me when I don’t dress her cute only for her to go to some small, nasty, dog-infested, smelly apartment.